The Discomfort of The Uplevel
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I just realized that I’m in the midst of an uplevel- a continuation of a success story. My business is profitable. It has been since its third month in business.
It pays my rent. It pays for my bougie groceries. And when some personal life fuck shit happens and I’m not 100% on my game and my sales take a dip… my track record is so good my payment processor loans me more than enough no problemo.
I’m grateful for that. And also really, really proud of what it took for me to create something out of thin air that could do that.
I built that shit. Past me showed up in her marketing as an insurance policy for whatever future me might be going through.
I gotta tell you though, a lot of this glow-up was not comfortable. Here are 7 uncomfortable things that had to happen for me to get to this beautiful moment with my business.
#1 My Inner Circle Had to Get a Lot More Selective
With each uplevel, I found out a lot of folks couldn’t come with me.
The more I believed in myself, my business, the value of my work, and my future, the more it was revealed which people in my life preferred that I not grow.
When it was clear they were more comfortable with me being less confident, less fulfilled, less independent, and less happy than what I was moving into, I realized I had to let those relationships go as gracefully as I could.
I simply did not have the energy and focus available to try to change their minds. I was going all in on my business and I couldn’t go all in on my business while splitting my focus like that!
It wasn’t that I didn’t care about those people and value our time together. I just didn’t want to stay stuck and stall my growth in order to keep those connections.
I had to trust that other, more aligned connections would come. And they did. And they will.
And it was hard not to notice how different it feels to invest in someone who feeds into your doubts vs. someone who hypes you up & celebrates you and your choices.
Worlds different.
One drains your energy and has you feeling small and fearful. The other lights you up and cheers you on. One has you trapped in scarcity and focused on loss. The other opens up windows of opportunity and has you focused on growth and expansion. (This is why I’m sooooo excited for The Squad, so everyone can have access to a supportive inner circle who will believe in you and cheer you on to your most audacious business goals.)
#2 I Had To Notice Who & What Was Habitually Draining My Energy & Let That Shit Go
My time and my energy have never felt more precious than when building my business. I literally cannot afford to keep what drains me in my life.
This is why I have to be a bit brutal about who gets my time and attention in my personal life.
This is why I don’t do a lot of things I used to do out of obligation anymore.
This is why I don’t hold myself to standards like “work out 6 days a week” or “I have to go all in on tango/rollerskating/singing for X amount of time per week” like I used to.
This is also why I can’t just eat junk food or drink a lot anymore. Because I need a lot of energy available for focus and creativity..
This is why I can’t date people who demand all of my time. Because I need flow and flexibility and ease in my days.
When I get really intentional about where I put my energy and attention, my business flourishes. When I don’t, or I allow drains to keep draining me, my sales go down.
Notice I said that in the present tense? This is not a one-and-done lesson. This is not a one-and-done effort. I have to be continuously intentional and careful about where my energy goes.
#3 I Had To Trust My Own Judgement Over Advice- Even If It Led To Mistakes
Learning to validate and trust yourself is a big one. Especially if you have any codependent or people-pleasing patterns.
If you’re going to boss up and create a successful business out of thin-freaking air, you’re going to have to have above-average levels of faith in yourself. You’re going to have to get used to making decisions without needing someone else to validate them. You’re going to have to be comfortable with doing what feels right to you for your business even when it goes against conventional or conflicting wisdom and advice. You’ll have to have the audacity to not just accept someone’s authority over you just because they show up with an authoritative air.
Luckily, that kind of faith in yourself is something that can be cultivated.
Personally, since this is something that I struggle with, I’m proud to have hit a faith-in-myself milestone. Recently, I did something everyone told me not to do. It elicited a lot of, “girl, what are you doing???!” reactions- honestly, for fair reasons.
But something in me told me this was a part of my journey and I needed to do it anyway. Even though my coaches told me not to. Even though my friends told me not to. Even though my sister would have rathered I didn’t. Even though it actually turned out to be a decision that had very real and lasting consequences for me and my business- I don’t consider it a mistake.
It was a draining, painful experience- but it was an experience necessary for me to gain the to-the-bone knowledge I need to hit my next massive uplevel:
Settling anywhere in your life means you are likely to be settling everywhere. If you want to stop being offered less than you deserve, stop accepting less than you deserve. Allowing continued access after repeated boundary violations means you don’t have boundaries. And feeling drained and depleted all the time means you desperately need some boundaries. Investing the minimum in yourself by allowing just anyone to enjoy your presence, brilliance, and energy does not invite others to invest the maximum in you. If the money dries up, where do you need to patch up your boundaries to prevent it from leaking out everywhere? What obstacles and obstructions do you have to clear to open the flow?
So, even though my decisions didn’t make sense to anyone else, it was actually quite important to my journey that I learned my lesson exactly this way, on my own terms. And that I don’t frame it as a “mistake” or “failure” on my part. I just did exactly what I needed to do to finally, FINALLY learn the lesson.
And, as a coach, I try to help facilitate this level of self-trust and beyond in the people I work with. I don’t tell you what to do in my role as a cheerleader & coach. (I will tell you what to do in my consultant role when you’re literally paying me to tell you what to do.) But as a coach, with your consent, I’ll present options. Or I’ll hold space while you vent and sort it out for yourself. But I always do my best to support you in making the decisions that are right for you and your business. Even if it’s not what I would have chosen for you!
#4 I Had To Exist Outside of Other’s Narratives
As alluded to earlier, I’ve had several toxic relationships of all types it became clear to me I needed to leave each time I was ready for my business to uplevel.
They weren’t lying when they said, “When you stop people pleasing, people stop being pleased.”
I’ve heard it all. I’m “selfish.” I’m in peril of hitting rock bottom at any moment. Because his business was failing, he assumed mine was too. Because she struggled to be paid properly, I would too. “You can’t make a living being creative.” “Grind is the only way.”
I became a villain to some. Delusional & doomed to fail to others. Audacious to everyone.
I had to become OK with all of it. “Think whatever you want, I’m going to keep doing my thing” - this was the attitude I had to adopt.
I started to even relish it a little bit. I made a free series called Evil Queen Era to help folks like bb business owner me unapologetically step into our outlandishly big goals. I named my burlesque/skater/torch singer persona after Villanelle from Killing Eve.
It’s not my business to change other people’s stories - even if they’re about me - unless they’re paying me to. We make up stories to protect ourselves. If me being a delusional, selfish, villain brings comfort to those who think that- who am I to rob them of that belief?
I’ve learned not to waste my powerful storytelling magick on just anything. I don’t need them to approve of me to be true to myself, nurture my business, and take good care of my clients.
And as much as my authenticity terrifies some, it attracts and galvanizes others. Others who deserve to have their voices heard, their ventures succeed, and to make a lasting mark on the world for the better. In my book, that’s a fair trade.
#5 I Had To Be Besties With Risk & Uncertainty
This was a hard one.
Leaving a 9 to 5 with a regular paycheck, a routine, and a boss brought much welcome freedom, but also the feeling of a terrifying loss of stability. Never mind that the structures and confines of my former “stability” squeezed and boxed me in so tight, I never felt safe or happy conforming to them.
I’ve faced the fear of not knowing where or when my next sale will come in. I’ve faced the fear of not knowing how people would receive my brand, my pricing, my offers, or my marketing.
And I’ve learned to redefine safety for myself like this:
I trust myself to handle whatever comes my way with grace.
I learned to give myself safety, regardless of what’s going on outside of me. And if that’s the case: I can speak and be safe. I can take risks and be safe. I can put myself out there and be safe. I can be broke and be safe. I can be rejected and be safe. I can miss someone who is bad for me like crazy and still be safe. I can make mistakes and be safe. I can fail and be safe. I can be too tired or sad for a few days and be safe. I can tell clients it’s going to be late and be safe. I can share my prices and be safe. I can say “no” or “that’s out of scope” and be safe. I can do a really personal blog and podcast episode and be safe. I can welcome in a huge influx of new clients to serve, have a ton of people counting on me, and be safe. I can have outsiders judge me and think I’m selfish and delusional and be safe.
And I can trust that the money, clients, recognition, and success are coming. I can notice when they arrive and take it as proof that I fucking got this.
#6 I Had To Ask For Help
Part of me having this on lock is learning who I can turn to when shit goes down. Who will build me back up rather than feed into my fear.
I’ve got a business coach. A codependency coach. Soon, I’ll have a people-pleasing coach. Gawd, I am LOOKING for the right therapist.
I know which friends to talk with about my business struggles. I know who is safe to ask for an ego boost.
I also learned who doesn’t have the capacity to be supportive, and to stop asking them for something they can’t give.
I learned to ask for consent before venting. I learned to trust a “yes” and respect a “no” and not consider myself a burden regardless of which answer I got.
I learned to return or pay forward all the support I received.
I learned that sustainability requires community. But not just any community. A community that gets it, will support you enough to both celebrate you and hold you accountable. (Again, check out The Squad if you need such a community in your life!)
#7 I Had To Stop Pretending Like I Had It All Together In My Marketing
When I first opened my business, I was very official and know-it-all in my marketing… Because I was insecure AF!!! I felt like I had no idea what I was doing as an entrepreneur and could scarcely believe my own audacity. I kept all that human stuff out of my marketing… and floundered.
Then I started letting a little more, then a little bit more of my true self into my marketing and watched my audience get more interested and engaged.
Then I started getting vulnerable and sharing A LOT. I got several sales from a Money Dirt series I did about untangling my pricing baggage and how it’s tied to several upsetting and pivotal clashes with patriarchy in my life.
I learned to trust my gut feelings about what to share and what to keep private. The difference between the two comes down to what makes me feel empowered to share and what makes me feel empowered to keep private. That’s very different than “what I’m too ashamed to talk about.”
I learned that “empowered” was important. Vulnerability wasn’t enough on its own. Yes, people want to connect over shared humanity, but they tend to prefer to be uplifted, galvanized, inspired, and motivated rather than stuck in the muck.
I learned when I shared from a place where I was settling for less, working too hard for things that weren’t returning on investment, when I was making excuses for poor behavior… my messaging didn’t resonate nearly as much as when I’m in the state of confidence I’ve worked so hard to cultivate. That charm-your-pants-off swagger. That cheekiness. That “behold & be blessed by my boundless, powerful creativity” vibe. That full-of-sunshine feeling.
But that feeling doesn’t just come from nowhere. It’s carefully cultivated by how I speak to myself in my own head, how I care for myself, how I structure and run my business, and who I surround myself with.
I can help you cultivate that feeling too, so not just marketing but everything you do as an entrepreneur feels full of sunshine. Join The Squad to find out just how bright you get to shine and just how light your world becomes when you’re surrounded by stars.
If you’d like an on-demand expert marketing director & confidence cheerleader and a hype-squad of excellently eccentric creative entrepreneurs, come join The Squad.
