My Long Shot Lore
Entrepreneur Diaries: The Unconventional, Delulu Thoughts That Bolster My Business
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If I had to pick one thing I’m really good at: it’s shooting the moon.
It’s no secret that most of my clients and I strongly identify as black sheep, underdogs, rebels, who can’t help but challenge the status quo every time we breathe. But as constructive as our vast, creative love for the world is, our minds and our hearts tend towards the chaotic. And we have a lifetime of conditioning that everything about us that doesn’t conform is wrong- and that’s hard to dig ourselves out of, even when we take the radical step of going into business for ourselves.
My 2025 New Year’s Resolution is to fully lean into the delulu. Why? Because it works for me. Especially when I contrast the times when I illogically, delusionally manifested goals with the times I took a much more structured, conventional, hard-work approach and achieved nothing at all except for more fodder for my anxiety disorders & chronic pain.
This is no easy feat though. The very fact that we call this approach “delulu” is proof. School didn’t teach this to me. Corporate didn’t teach this to me. Mainstream business influencers and “how to” books and boot-strapping, American Dream success stories didn’t either.
So, in times of uncertainty- which are inevitable in entrepreneurship- it becomes very tempting to revert back to what I think a responsible, “good girl,” corporate cog would do.
But, I’ve armed myself with 4 powerful vignettes from my real life to remind myself that there is a better way. They really help me, perhaps they’ll help you too.
[Trigger Warning: these get a little dark before they get better. I will mention: loss of a pet, chronic illness, abuse, and suicidality. Please take care and feel free to skip this one if you don’t want to get intense today.]
1 The Horses
I was making oatmeal in my kitchen in Southern California, drained after weeks of grieving the passing of the magnificent horse I’d grown up with in Oregon, when I had a sudden powerful impulse.
I’d grieved the horse, her sweet muzzle searching my pockets for cookies, our mad gallops through meadows and sedate collected trots that earned us ribbons in dressage arenas, her mischievously shoving cats off fence posts, her greeting me by scratching her face on my blue jeans so hard she’d nearly knock me over.
But I also grieved horses being such a huge part of my life. And how impossible it seemed they ever would be again, me being isolated in a brand new city, in a brand new state, scraping by on the unreliable income of an entrepreneur finding her feet.
But there, making oatmeal, probably watching some trashy Bravo show, I randomly thought of a Facebook friend I hadn’t seen or spoken to in real life in probably 20 years. I remember admiring a video of her riding somewhere with palm trees and a white fence that chanced across my feed who knows how long ago.
And I thought, “Wait. There are palm trees here. There’s that dusty gold and distinctive bright green quality to the colors of the landscape around here. I wonder if she’s nearby?”
So I messaged her. She was in SoCal too! Did she know anyone who needed help with their horses? Hell, I’d just feed and clean stalls if it meant I could be around them again!
Not even 10 minutes after I had that initial thought, “Hey, I wonder if…” I had two new contacts who were looking for help with their horses.
Fast forward to now, and I’ve spent the last year getting to ride again! You can’t book me on Thursdays or Sundays because I’m galloping through canyons and playing with dressage patterns again.
I even got to spend a magical week in the Mojave last August, womaning a 6 horse ranch to my great delight.
I thought I’d never be lucky enough to have horses in my life again, and then, one day, just like that, I manifested them back into my life. Easily. Without struggle. Despite not having the resources I previously thought were required for such a thing to happen.
2 How I Became a Marketer
After fighting long and hard for a real journalism job, I finally got one. But 16 awards and 2 and a half years later, I lost my passion for it. I was so burnt out and exhausted. Deadlines ate all my time and energy, and though I knew I wanted out, I was too tired to apply and line up anything concrete so I could jump ship in a financially responsible way.
So, eventually, I just quit. I had about 2 months of expenses saved up and a sweet little dog to support. My friend who owned the house I rented at the time would have been screwed if I couldn’t pay rent money. Quitting like that, on the surface, seemed crazy and irresponsible. I knew no one who could loan me money and I doubt a bank would have given me a loan at the time. Quitting was a big risk.
But I just decided not to worry about it. I’d take a week to rest, hike through national parks, read tarot in the sunny backyard, and dance barefoot in the garden. Then, I’d apply to 1 job a day and that was IT. I simply decided that would be enough, because it would have to be. I refused to entertain any thoughts to the contrary.
My criteria for my new job was simple: I wanted a job I didn’t hate that paid my bills without a ton of effort on my part, and I wanted to be able to leave work at the office at 5 pm and not have to think about it at all until the next day. It didn’t have to be permanent. It didn’t have to be a big strategic career move. I’d wanted to be a journalist for so long and felt like I’d achieved that, and I didn’t have a clear new goal to take its place.
I got offers from the first two jobs I applied to, and accepted the one that paid more- long before my money ran out. Hired originally as an executive assistant, I showed a knack for writing and soon became the company’s first marketer. The marketing I made for them proved so popular, I spent the next few years zooming through helping them launch their own marketing agency as a new aspect of their busines, hiring, training, and managing a team, and the rest is history.
3 Onyx
I was broke as a joke, early in my entrepreneurship journey, and having so many debilitating chronic pain flare ups I couldn’t get out of my family home I’d only meant to stay in for a month or two. (And I was already deeply ashamed of having to do even that.)
I got COVID and was bedridden for weeks. My relationship with my family deteriorated, then my beloved dog who’d been my best friend for 11 years got a particularly grisly form of cancer and passed away. As I got sicker, my family regularly threatened me with homelessness, and my pain got worse and everything felt hopeless. Nothing, and I mean nothing, felt like it was working. My efforts both in my business and trying to just get another normal job I hated so I could leave felt meaningless.
As I grieved my dog and served my clients, worked on the family farm, and unsuccessfully applied for jobs only to be told it wasn’t enough and I’d be kicked out- all I could think about was how on earth I’d survive homelessness. The terror, the shame, and the physical pain of my illness were overwhelming.
Slowly, I started to gain momentum. I got more clients. I joined a local entrepreneurship group for fabulous, witchy, small business owners and new, awesome people came into my life. I did a worktrade for a pass to use an incredible, top floor workspace overlooking the Burnside Bridge, the Willamette River, and Downtown Portland an hour away from my toxic home. People wanted to be a guest on my podcast. People wanted me to guest on their podcasts. Mitú invited me to write for them (and I tried but I got too sick to keep going).
One day, out of nowhere, it hit me. I was ready for a dog again. I’m just the sort of person who needs dog energy in her life. All the love I had to give would have a place to go. My mental health would be better. I’d have more daily fun, play, joy, and affection, which I desperately needed. Maybe this would bolster me so I could stay healthy long enough to get the fuck out of my toxic living situation!
Here’s what’s weird though: I’d been soooo focused on money so I could get out for so long, and I wasn’t getting nearly as much as I needed. I assumed it would be a long time before I was able to get a dog. But I kept daydreaming about it. A husky. A puppy I could train right from the beginning.
Then, randomly, a contact of mine showed up in my inbox ready to buy a high-ticket project. Their deposit was exactly enough to pay an adoption fee, get all the food and toys he needed, pay all his vet bills, and set us up with a puppy training class. WTF.
And so my beloved Onyx came into my life.
4 SoCal
Right when my hope was restored, my living situation got worse.
The workspace where I’d set up my monitor was made unavailable, triggering my neck injuries that are exacerbated when I have to look down at my computer rather than straight ahead. I’d be berated and threatened with eviction before client meetings and sales calls. I was screamed at, cursed at, and told how much of a burden I was.
When I wasn’t sick, I did my best to cope and gather the money I needed to get out. I went to therapy, I applied for jobs, I learned to rollerskate, I danced at a clients’ pole studio in Downtown Portland as much as I could. I avoided my family as much as possible and tried not to despair that I’d never be healthy or lucky enough to make enough money to leave.
Then I did get kicked out. I was given a deadline to get out or else, and was faced with the prospect of being homeless in an Oregon winter that causes the freezing deaths of unhoused people more frequently every year of climate change. I’d have to find homes for my cat and puppy, and I didn’t think I’d have the will to live without them. And they were so bonded to me, I couldn’t imagine how they’d do without me.
I remember taking Onyx out to one of the pastures on the farm and literally just tipping over and lying in the dirt, thinking, “What the fuck am I going to do? I’ve tried everything as hard as I can and it didn’t work. I have no options left. God help me.” I was frozen in my powerlessness. I just decided to lay in the dirt. I knew there was nothing else I could do. There was no way I could have tried harder, done more. I wasn’t giving up, but it was a tossing of the problem into the wind. I’d done my part. There was nothing else to do.
I honestly don’t remember who I told what I was going through or what I told them. But lying in the dirt that day, I texted them. Suddenly my business coach was setting up a fundraiser for me and people literally donated THOUSANDS to get me out. One of my entrepreneur buddies offered to let me rent her studio apartment giving me the first month free in far away Southern Californa. People bought big-ticket projects from my business in droves. Others funded my car repairs so I could make the thousand mile journey. People were kind and sent me messages of encouragement. People shared my story. My community rose up and pulled me out. And not just me, my pets too. I packed Onyx and my demon cat into my backseat and whatever I could fit in the trunk of my little Malibu Chevy and drove a thousand miles to my new home propelled by dozens of people who turned out to be rooting for me in a time when I felt utterly and completely alone.
How could I have ever predicted that? It certainly wasn’t planned.
The Lore That Bolsters Me
I just told you these stories because they are some of the most powerful memories that bolster me when entrepreneurship feels unbearably, frighteningly, uncertain. Because they contain important elements that keep me going and succeeding rather than succumbing to my fears of doom and financial ruin.
Here are my most dear takeaways:
Detach from the “how.”
Release control.
Decide it’s going to work and surrender to that belief.
Worry isn’t necessary.
It might be really easy.
It’ll happen in time.
I won’t be punished for resting.
1 Detach from the “how.”
I made no intricate plan. I simply showed up how it occurred to me to show up to indicate I was available for something I wanted.
Then I got it.
I didn’t know how it would work before it worked. I just was open to the possibility it could work. Then it did.
2 Release control.
I wasn’t in control of any of these situations. True, I showed up and took what action I could. But all of these manifestations required the willingness and action of other people in order for me to fulfill my desires.
My friend didn’t have to recommend me to horse trainers in her network and the horse trainers in her network didn’t have to agree to give me a shot, and yet they did.
No one had to offer me a job and yet they did. No one had to buy projects from me and yet they did. No one had to move heaven and earth to get me to Los Angeles County but a lot of people did.
I didn’t and don’t control other people. And yet, I still got what I wanted.
Helpful to remember, but here’s where I did have to check a toxic desire for control: overwork.
Overworking is how I tend to try to use control as a way to cope with uncertainty. It’s an addictive drive to do everything I possibly can so no one can accuse me of not doing “enough.”
But there are a few problems with that:
I learned the hard way that you can work until your body literally breaks and people can still accuse of you not doing enough. Might as well trust your own judgment on what “enough” is.
I’d been working hard that whole time. I don’t really see any correlation between working super hard and making more profit. Actually, money usually came through in the times when I let myself stop, pause, rest, play, have fun.
If hard work was enough to make money, you and I would know a lot more rich people and the working poor we know would all be millionaires. Y’all can see that hard work isn’t necessarily the thing that brings in the big bucks.
So, when scared about money, “working harder” is actually not the correct move.
3 Decide it’s going to work and surrender to this belief.
These 4 vignettes showcase times when- for different reasons- I surrendered to the belief that it was going to work because it had to, and that was the only reality I was willing to actively prepare for.
In the last case, it was more of an “I’ve done all I can do, and now it’s up to God/the universe/fate/chance/luck” sort of surrender, but it was still a surrender.
4 Worry isn’t necessary.
As someone who has struggled immensely with anxiety throughout her life, I can confirm that anxiety does not smoothe or speed up the path to manifesting your desires.
In fact, all four of these instances represent too direct a desire to waste time or energy on anxiety. There was no waffling. There was just clear, potent desire. And when worry wasn’t clouding my judgment, it was much easier to take smart, effective, efficient action to bring about what I wanted.
5 It might be really easy.
My situation changed on a dime in each of these instances. Clear desire, decide, surrender, and BAM: it’s mine.
Stop thinking getting what you want has to be arduous and hard- cuz it doesn’t.
6 It’ll happen in time.
Because it has to. We’re just deciding. Worrying about how long you have to make it happen isn’t helpful.
7 I won’t be punished for resting.
In fact, the stuff I wanted happened when I was resting. Perhaps even because I was resting. I was not punished for resting.
But I was punished for working past my limits.
I was punished for working in a directionless way.
I was punished for working just to work.
Interesting, hmmm?
Deconditioning Toxic Capitalism & the Narratives of Our Abusers
Woo, can you smell how much those limiting beliefs we just worked though reek of toxic Capitalism? Can’t you just picture the abusive figures who installed and reinforced these beliefs in the first place?
Because when I think in this new way, I mysteriously stop equating morality with how much money I have. I stop gauging whether I’m good enough by how much I’m working, grinding, or hurting myself. I stop trying to do what I “should” do by any external standard and start allowing my inner compass to have full control of the ship that is me. I stop valuing self sacrifice and start valuing fulfillment.
No wonder these beliefs aren’t taught in the mainstream! They are far too dangerous to the systems that keep us too exhausted and subordinate to consider doing something radical like going into business for ourselves. These beliefs are dangerous to toxic, oppressive systems that demand conformity because what if we become wildly successful doing things totally differently, showing our communities that opting out is a valid and lucrative choice? And because these beliefs are dangerous to the status quo, those who benefit from systems that oppress you will try to stamp this way of thinking right out of you.
Which makes it incredibly important for you to find people who think as dangerously, as expansively, as lovingly as you. You need community, because we all do. You need support, because we all do. You especially do because you’re doing something incredibly brave, courageous, and dangerous to systems that require your conformity and submission. So the people you allow to influence you better be opening you up to the possibility of new, healthier, better outcomes. Lest you stay stuck not getting what you want. Which would be a tragedy, because you came here to do big work.
Podcasts, books, and courses are great, but they can’t compare to having a mentor you trust who can help you identify and check your limiting beliefs and maladaptive coping strategies. Someone who will help you to upgrade your perspective with an outlook on life that befits the leader you are becoming.
If you are yearning for this kind of support, I’d love to work with you. I have a few spots open to work with me 1:1 or you are very welcome to join the Squad 🎉, my fabulous membership for excellently eccentric entrepreneurs. You can also get a taste of what it’s like to work with me as your Marketing Confidence Cheerleader with a complimentary 22-minute ✨ Marketing Audit ✨ designed to help you see what you’re not seeing so you can start getting the results you want right now.
