The Problem With “Tough Love” Business Coaching
Coaching is great when it strengthens your ability to trust yourself and your judgement. It’s amazing when it clarifies your wants and needs and expands your capacity to advocate for them. It’s mind-blowing and world changing when it smashes through perceived barriers and limits and empowers you to dream bigger, want more, and believe in your worthiness to receive abundantly.
It sucks when there is no concern placed on how it lands. It sucks when there is no accountability for how it’s delivered.
So, is your coach empowering you or relegating you to permanent follower status? Let’s get into it.
“Tough love” business coaching doesn’t work for everyone.
I’m noticing a concerning posture from some “tough love” business coaches preaching that “I’m telling you the truth and if you don’t like how I say it, that’s a you problem. If you can’t take it, maybe you shouldn’t be here because you’re not strong enough/well enough/don’t want to succeed enough.”
To be honest, this is problematic and ableist AF.
Problematic because it shows this coach is unwilling to be accountable or adjust their delivery even when they cause harm. Even when this type of coaching shuts the recipient down so much they can’t “take the action” that will get them results.
Ableist for so many reasons.
Due to lack of awareness, you might be telling people to take action their physical or mental health bars them from taking. OR WOULD ACTIVELY HARM THEM TO TAKE.
Let’s talk about how “tough love” lands with abuse survivors.
Certain types of unstrategically deployed “tough love” can fully shut a nervous system down and send people into a freeze or worse.
I’ve spent a lifetime working with abused animals, getting them to feel safe with people again. “Tough love,” punishment, “you’re bad!”/”you did something bad” type feedback PREDICTABLY sends an abused animal into a state of deep fear and fractures the relationship with the person.
The animal isn’t better served by “hearing the truth.”
They don’t suddenly start behaving.
They don’t thank the deliverer of “the truth” for “telling them what they needed to hear.”
They don’t have a deeper sense of safety and confidence.
The kind of tough love delivered without an ounce of sensitivity or emotional intelligence DOES NOT instill lasting trust in the recipient.
No. They continue to operate from fear, and everyone loses.
As an abuse survivor myself, I often respond to “tough love” delivery in a similar way. So do countless clients and colleagues.
Clients and colleagues who do incredible work helping other humans, whose businesses deserve to succeed because it would benefit us all if they did.
I don’t want them to quit because “they don’t have what it takes” to withstand cruelly delivered “truth” without shutting down or having a fearful response.
Some people DO need cheerleaders. A lot of people, actually.
Not because they’re weak, but because they deserve kindness and CARE. And perhaps they’ve spent a lifetime not getting it. (NOT needing a cheerleader because you already have enough is actually a privilege.)
Because business coaching delivered with kindness and care is less likely to shut them down and more likely to actually encourage them to do the hard thing.
I agree that growth is often- perhaps even usually- uncomfortable.
But what makes you more likely to feel strong enough to face healthy discomfort? Support and genuine encouragement or shame and punishment?
I care about how my clients feel in my containers. I care about how my coaching lands. I want my clients to care too.
Because I’m coaching them to act in alignment with their values, goals, needs, and desires. I’m coaching them to be able to advocate for themselves, to build a business that works for THEM.
Not to just take my word for it about “what they need” when their nervous system is in full revolt.
This is why I always ask my clients whether they want “ice cream” or “chili pepper” feedback- our shorthand for “I need positive reinforcement today” or “I want to be pushed to my growth edge- even if it’s hard to hear today.”
I want you lit up, not shut down. I want you to build unshakeable trust in yourself. Cuz this is what allows you to take the actions that will get you real results. This is what keeps you in the game longterm. And that’s what I want for you: longterm, lasting success and the emotional capacity to handle the challenges that come your way in healthy, empowered ways.
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