“I’m so afraid that if I get everything I want I’ll lose it all and I won’t be able to survive that. So I talk myself out of really trying in the first place.”

I’ve had a few clients tell me this is the thought pattern that’s blocking them from going all in on marketing their business.

To be honest, it threw me. I couldn’t relate. Or, at least… I thought I couldn’t.

But then I got so many things I’d been wanting for so long in a really short period of time. Big big sales. Ecstatic clients. Creative recognition. Adventure. Romance. Affection. Belonging. Care and support. Community.

… And my nervous system went haywire. 

My Life is a Pleasure Cruise, My Mind is a Horror Movie

My chest clenched, my mind and pulse raced. My spine was curling in like a little potato bug trying to protect all my soft bits from the scary world.

I looked for threats everywhere. Investigated everyone I encountered for the meaning behind every muscle twitch of the jaw, every dart of the eye, every subtle vocal change. 

Where would the danger come from this time? What sort of betrayal would hurt the worst and how could I anticipate it so it could be a little less painful when it happened? 

Because the betrayal, the ripping away of everything good was coming, I was sure. 

So I kept scanning everyone and everything for it. Even the good stuff. Especially the good stuff.

Until I asked myself… why?

Now that I had received nearly everything I wanted, why was I freaking out?

Hamster Wheelin’ The Cycle of Abuse

Sigh. It goes back to my childhood. (Every fucking time. Right, therapy babes?) But it also goes back to every abusive relationship I’ve ever had that replicated the earliest connections I’d known. 

In fact, this cycle has repeated so much in my life that now it repeats in my own head. Because brains like patterns and this is one I recognize deeply and intimately.

Yep, we’re talking the cycle of abuse. Here’s a good primer or refresher.

So now that I was being actively pursued by clients, showered with praise, and having my needs met- it’s no wonder that I was subconsciously waiting for the Abusive Phase to kick in. Cuz that’s what happens in the cycle of abuse. And me freaking out about when the other shoe was gonna drop created my very own Tension Phase.

That’s right, folx: in the absense of an external abuser, my inner critic took on that role. 

Which, weirdly, makes a ton of sense. Hear me out.

Because, like I said, brains like patterns. If you can recognize a pattern, you know what’s going to happen next. Which gives you certainty. And perceived certainty gives you perceived control over outcomes. And if you have control over outcomes, things seem less scary.

Until you realize you’re replicating the cycle of abuse in your own head. 

Until you realize that by doing that, you’re abusing yourself and sabotaging your business, values, and goals.

You’re trading a construct that lets you believe you have control over actually achieving what you really want.

You OK with that? I wasn’t. I’m not.

Want to feel more at ease with the good stuff? Break up with control.

But… disrupting the cycle of my abuse in my own head called for some drastic measures. Rewiring deeply ingrained habits. Embracing uncertainty. Accepting I don’t know what’s going to happen next. Relinquishing the belief that I can control what other people do. Taking responsibility for my own actions and not other people’s. Realizing it’s only possible to be in control of me… and even then, just the small percentage of me that is conscious. 

And hooo boy, does THAT go against conventional wisdom, social norms, and what business bros tell you to do to be “successful.”

But if I change my relationship with uncertainty, some really cool stuff is possible.

If I don’t know what will happen next, The Pleasant Phase could be followed by a Deeply Joyful Phase, and that could be followed by a Massive Creative Expansion Phase, you know?

If I put that deeply personal and vulnerable insight or creation out there on the internet, it could be met with scorn and ridicule… or it could be met with a fuck ton of admiration, money, and soul-level connections with people who never would have found me otherwise.

If I embrace uncertainty and release the belief that I am in control of other people and outcomes, I get to stop blaming myself for other people’s actions. I get to stop blaming myself when bad shit happens. Because it’s not within my control and never was. And if the abuse that happened in my past was not because of anything I did… It didn’t happen because I wasn’t smart enough to anticipate and avoid it properly… It didn’t happen because I was too trusting or relaxed or complacent or whatever…

I get to stop thinking I deserve it when people are cruel or do things that hurt.

I get to stop expecting violence will meet my vulnerability.

I get to stop feeling like I am always in danger.

I get to stop perceiving everyone as a threat.

I get to enjoy the good stuff that happens to me.

I get to feel deep joyful gratitude. 

I get to believe I am deserving of the good things in my life. They’re not a fluke.

Just a beautiful return on what I’m putting out into the world.

Does the vulnerability of marketing your business have your inner critic replicating a cycle of abuse in your own head? Sounds like you could use a Marketing Confidence Cheerleader.🌻 I can’t promise to make you an overnight millionaire, but I can show you how to make growing your business wayyyy more fun and way less terrifying. And… money tends to flow a lot faster when you’re having fun marketing anyway.